Why? Why us? Why him? Why now? Why? This is all I can think about. My beautiful boy was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes on 19th February 2016, out of the blue, a complete shock to us all, most of all him.
All I hear this week are the old favourites – “these things happen” “its just bad luck” “things will get easier”, I understand all of this but why us? We work hard, take care of our family, live a healthy lifestyle, surely these things should have safeguarded us from the dreaded uncontrollable? Surely we have done enough to make sure that this won’t happen? Apparently not. Perhaps I should be saying “Why not?” Perhaps we are best equipped to deal with this? Perhaps we are tough enough? Maybe we are the ideal candidates? I just can’t make sense of it all at the moment.
This week has been like having a new baby again, total consumption. Complete focus on one thing and inability to think about anything else. The lack of sleep, either due to checking his blood glucose or due to the million thoughts in my brain, means that we seem to move from day to day without realising and all of our tempers are fraying round the edges rapidly. Still, as parents, we MUST set the example and teach our children that we CAN deal with this and that it will be OK. Tricky.
Recently I’ve felt as though we had gained some time and freedom back into our lives after the “baby stage” but I now feel that it has been swiftly stolen from us as quickly as the diagnosis was made. Meal planning seems a real chore and the worry of miscalculating carbs and therefore either under or over dosing the insulin is a constant worry. Will we ever eat out again? Will we ever confidently leave the house? I refuse to let this compromise our hard earned lifestyle. I just need to work out how.
I realise, despite my constant challenges and questions that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Bobby volunteered to take his own blood glucose last night and happily took his injection thereafter. He has engaged his big sister into the process and has begun conversations about what he can do to help research and when will there be a cure. Whilst I realise that for now, these are all red herrings, thrown in by him only to be snatched away again and that the now expected fight and defiance at “injection time” may well resume. But for how long? A week feels much longer than it is. I can see that eventually this will be “normal life” for us, but when? My impatience and competitive streak means I can’t just wait for these things to happen, I need action, progress and above all a bit of hope.
One week down, the rest of our lives to look forward to, and if this week is proof of one thing, its how we can be inspired by our children. What a difference a week makes! I’m nervous and apprehensive but positive about what this week will bring, albeit back to school and routine. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Do one Diabetes.